Many of us enter this whole cohabitating thing with a lot of love, but without a clue. We get blindsided by the amount of joint-decision making there is to do — like dividing the logistics, in a way that is transparent, fair, and manageable. Because it’s so uncomfortable to talk about, people tend to just gravitate toward the things they notice — which is not the same as aligning on the workload as partners. Operating independently means work is done without recognition and resentments build over the tedious day-to-day stuff. In the absence of direct conversation, one party ends up taking on the lion’s share of the work. Studies show that this is often the woman, who ends up feeling burdened by both the physical and emotional labor involved. The workload becomes so exhausting, there’s not enough energy left to cultivate the relationship.
Couples Who Share the Workload Have More Sex
Whether you’ve been married for two years or twenty, have kids or not, if you need any motivation to get the chore thing right, here it is. A briefing paper for the Council on Contemporary Families found that “couples who reported sharing housework fairly equally, with the man doing more than a third and up to 65% of the housework, reported having sex significantly more often than did couples where the woman did 65% or more of the housework.”
An August 2017 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family concurred, finding that among couples who share their chores more evenly, there is more sexual gratification. The workload that occurs outside of your romantic relationship (e.g., cooking, cleaning, food shopping, getting the kids ready for school) will affect your energy and interest in romance. When you get in sync regarding the workload, and acknowledge each other’s need for breaks, you give yourselves and each other the gift of time. Bonus: you are likely to have more, and better quality, sex.
Hit The Reset Button
Whether you’ve been operating out of sync for three months or three years, it can be hard to identify the issues, clear out the cobwebs, and start fresh. No matter how long it’s been, here are a few suggestions to get you going:
Do the dishes together. No matter how you divvy up the rest of the chores.....one chore that many of the closest couples I interviewed do side by side is the dishes. It seems to be the glue that communicates--we are true partners here. It’s a task that doesn't take long — especially with two people pitching in — and is a reliable time to catch up while preventing one person from feeling isolated while the other gets to do something “fun”. If you have kids, maybe you both put the children to sleep, and then come back to the kitchen for a glass of wine, or tea, and a relaxing clean up.It may even provide the groundwork for intimacy later.
Agree on what needs to be done. If you’ve never had an outright conversation about the logistics of running a household, chances are there are certain tasks that are unaccounted for and others you’re doubling up on. There’s a simple exercise I often do with clients called put all the cards on the table, which allows you to assess and agree on what needs to get done — without judgement or blame. Your goal is to align on the full scope of the workload. It’s important to listen, really listen, to what you each value and find important. Where you disagree, find a way to compromise and respect each other’s needs. Your home should be a place where you both feel comfortable and connected.
Divide and conquer, fairly. It’s important to share the work of maintaining a household pretty equally. The same goes for childcare, for those of you with children. Assigning one person to a single realm (earning money, household maintenance, childcare) can lead to a “grass is always greener” view of each other’s roles, rather than facilitating an appreciation of each other for the work you’re both contributing. But sharing the housework, and alternating childcare — such as pick up, and putting the kids to bed — can go a long way towards ensuring you both feel connected and valued, while maintaining the energy to cultivate and nurture your partnership.
Simple things — like doing the dishes together, agreeing on what needs to be done, and dividing and conquering fairly — are what cement the feeling of true partnership in a relationship. This will free up time for both of you, together and separate from one another, while strengthening your bond as a couple… in the bedroom, and beyond. Who knew chores could be so much fun?