How fully present are you when you are spending time with the people in your life? Whether with friends, significant others, family, or even pets, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of being “physically present” but mentally elsewhere because we’re half distracted on our phones. Our screen addictions lead to a frequent state of being “together but apart,” which makes it hard to cultivate true connections. The average American spends more than 4 hours a day on their phones, which is equivalent to two months a year lost to likes, swipes, and memes. Instead of forming meaningful connections, we're caught in an endless scroll.
We need to build the muscles of presence when we are with people we care about because connection is one of the greatest forms of self-care. Harvard’s longest-running study on happiness shows connection as the most important factor in people feeling fulfilled and truly happy. When we feel more connected to the people we love, we are healthier, sleep better, and have greater well-being—nurturing and maintaining connection matters. But how do we change our habits to be fully present with the people we care about?
Here are three ways to build the muscles of presence and create a greater connection with the people you love.
1. Synchronize Screen Time
Getting more connected isn’t just you changing your habits. It's about everybody working together to change habits because we’re all addicted to our screens. Make a pact and align on a “no phone zone” when spending time with people. Whether it’s when you’re out to dinner, on a walk, or at a party, agree that you’re not going to check your phones. Then, come up with a code phrase for when somebody mindlessly gravitates toward their phones because it will happen more than once. Your phrase could be something like “Be here now,” “Hey, where'd you go?” or “Come on back.” Choose something gentle that will nudge everybody back into the present.
2. Get your Digital Dose before Arrival
Take a moment before you spend time with friends or family to check your email and texts to satisfy yourself so that you're up to date. Set an alarm for a reasonable time to check your phone later. It’s not in 10 minutes, but maybe in an hour or two or after the event, then put your phone away. Even when you feel the gravitational pull to grab your device, having an alarm is a great reminder that your screen can wait. This allows you to double down on your focus and be present with the people in front of you.
3. Set Your Intention for Full Presence
Decide that when you're getting together, to be fully engaged, catch up, and pay attention to the people in front of you. Doing this gives you the full, rich value of the experience. Coordinating schedules in today’s world is tough, so there will never be another moment like this one. Remind yourself of this when you are together and use it as inspiration to inhale and ingest this rare moment's full, rich value. This will give you the presence and reward of true connection.
It's not easy to break these habits, but it is totally worth the effort because I guarantee nothing on that phone or device is more rewarding than the power of a rich and complete connection.