Talking is one of the most valuable ways we can relate to another human being. If the eyes are the gateway to the soul, conversation is the gateway to the inner thoughts, insights and experiences of another person. Unfortunately, conversing with children doesn’t always come naturally to us adults. Every age and stage, from pre-verbal through puberty and beyond, comes with its own unique challenges. Yet, it may be comforting to know that, when it comes to talking with children, your goal is really to have them do most of the work. Your job is simply to create a safe space for your child to express whatever they are thinking and feeling.
Every child — much like every adult — is navigating the world for the first time; we can’t assume we see what they see, notice what they notice, or conclude what they conclude. How better to see the world through your child’s eyes, find out what’s on your child’s mind, and demonstrate a genuine interest in your child as an individual, then through stimulating conversation?
To get your child to open up, try to:
Ask open-ended questions
Questions with “yes” or “no” answers, (e.g. “Did you have fun?” and “Do you like your teacher?”), lead to dead end conversations. Get your kids talking by using Who, What, Where, When and Why questions:
Who was your favorite character in the movie?
What was the best part of your day?
Where do you want to go . . . ?
When did you discover that you liked poetry?
Why did you choose that topic for your story/drawing?
How did you figure that out?
Listen more than you talk
When talking to kids — or trying to get to know anyone, really — aim for a 70:30 ratio (you listening for about 70 percent of the time and talking for about 30 percent). Remember: your job is to ask questions that will stimulate your child to talk. Nurture the discussion with phrases like, “tell me more about that” and “that is so interesting.”
Don’t be afraid of feelings
When our children are upset, our instinct can be to take away the pain by minimizing the problem or jumping straight into fix-it mode. This can cause children to shut down or cut the conversation short. It has to be safe for kids to share all kinds of feelings with you, not just the happy ones. Try to empathize with and name their feelings, without feeling you need to fix them. Instead of dismissing or denying your child’s emotions or worries, try teaching him or her that feelings come and go.
Tune in to your kids patterns
One of my client’s, Tara, has three kids — 8, 10, and 12. Each kid is different, of course, and getting them to open up and tell tales from their day has to be individualized.
For example, Tara finds that she gets the best information from Ashley, her 12-year-old, when she’s in the shower. “It’s her time to spill the beans. If I want to know what happened in the lunchroom or at recess, that’s the time I’ll hear it all,” she said.
She noticed that her middle son, Sean, likes to talk before he goes to bed at night; while Adam, her youngest, would relay every moment of his day the minute he got off the bus. “At least a few days per week, I make sure to do pick-up — instead of our babysitter — so I can catch all of his stories as they tumble out.”
Just as we may be unwilling to talk to anyone before our first cup of coffee in the morning or chatty-cathy over the phone on the way to work — kids too may be more or less open and talkative at certain times or in certain places. It’s important to tune in to when and where your kids are ready to talk.
When we enter into conversation from a neutral, non-judgemental, and curious point of view, we open the door for our kids to reveal the unique individuals they are inside. For more tips on how to talk to your kids, from infancy through the teenage years, download our helpful age-by-age guide.